Have you ever woken up and wondered how the hell did you let your life get out of control? How everything snowballs from one situation to another? One minute everything was going great and then... like someone is pulling at a loose thread, the beautiful tapestry of your future you see spread out in front of you is unravelling and each step you take, more and more of it falls apart.
I wake up every single day feeling like that. I look back somedays, trying to pin point what went wrong. How I managed to sign up for the rollar coaster that is my life now. Nothing. Insomnia came first. Depression and suicidal tendencies crept up on me next, then social anxiety, performance anxiety (no... get your head out of the gutter), traits of borderline personality disorder and God knows what else I've got on my list of diagnosis.
Some days I wake up feeling great! Able to get through the day like everyone else, sure there's ups and downs during the day but I have the strength to get through the day. On other days it is different. I can barely get out of bed. Not because I'm tired (I usually am) but because I can't seem to find it in me to face another day. Another day of striving to be perfect, to please others, to find happiness. Some days it is just easier to wish it all would end. Those days are bleak and scary.
I have strayed off the path that I saw carved out for me when I was younger, whether by fate and design or just my own determination, I don't know. Living with mental health issues has shown me a different light to life. I no longer have the friends I used to have. Nor do I revel in going out every weekend and partying the night away.
No, I have grown different in my ways, wanting to be social, but yet staying away from crowds and events. Who have I become? Where did that door to my future go?
It may seem that I have lost my way in the past years. I think not. Someone/something is guiding me towards a different path in life. A different direction from that which I thought to take when I was younger. A path seldom walked on by those before me. I may be lost, yes, but only because I do not know this road I walk on. It is different to me, different in a way I have never seen. I have moved from a girl who's life was planned out for her - a straight and narrow path which could be recognized for miles, to a woman who treads carefully through each corner, afraid to put one foot in front of the other, lest there be hidden trapdoors, pitfalls, and glass walls. There are times when I see light shining through, showing me the way, other times it is dark and I have to feel my way through the unknown.
My experiences paint the way, giving me problems to deal with each day. Each trauma, each situation beyond my control shaped me to become who I am today. A person who struggles to live each day. Perhaps not in the physical sense but most definitely in the mental sense.
Bridges have burned, stakes have changed. No longer do I see things the way I used to. I do not burn these bridges on my own. Many have done so because of what I suffer from, how I have changed. Not many can deal with each panic attack, each depressive episode... and so they do the only thing that has never left humankind as we evolved - choose to fight or flee. Many flee the unknown, the unexpected, the unpredictable. A select few stay on and fight the battle, seeing the true person hiding inside.
I cannot say how many friends I have lost, for I no longer can tell who was a friend to begin with. Nor can I say how many have just stepped off my path onto another of their own. I do not say that most left because of fear or rejected me as a freak. I do know that most of those who have left, left during my worst times. Perhaps it was the kind of people I mixed with, perhaps it was just time for them to move on. I will never know, all I know is it hurt then and it still hurts now.
Looking back on times of trouble. Even now, I can count in one hand people I can turn to. My beloved man, Allan, who is my rock and stabilizes me through my life. My podster, Vicki, who has stuck with me through good times and bad sharing tears and happiness and is always there for me when I need her. My new found friend, Dai, who understand what it means to be different. A few other friends who come and go but are there during my troubles. Yet... yet... only the two mentioned can fully understand what I have gone through, what I am going through. The third is still new to me but yet he still is here as a friend (blessing to you, Dai).
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| To my friends, whom I am eternally grateful for |
Sometimes they cannot be there for me because of their schedules/life etc.. and I have no one to look to. It is then that I realize how far I have wandered down this new road. The amount of friends I had growing up, both locally and internationally was astounding. Now, I have three or at the very most, six, that I can turn to. It is incredibly lonely at times, but at times I revel in it.
It is hard to go through life alone. We as humans, are social creatures, never meant to be alone. Perhaps that is why animals are regarded as family. As children, as friends. They never stab each other in the back, most are loyal to the end. They never leave during times of trouble and make you smile through the tears. I love my two babies to death. I could not imagine a day to go by without either one being there for me. They make me smile on days which I cannot remember happiness, they make me laugh on days where I see no humour. They are loyal to the end, have never stabbed me in the back. My Ashlyn and Felix are the universe's gift to me. I cherish them and will miss them when they go.
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| My babies, I will always love you |
Now, I am trying to find my way on this new path. To embrace that which has been given to me. And to accept that which has happened. I seek a new spiritual way, having been on the receiving end of dogma of other religions. Perhaps with this, can I strive to gain control of whatever aspects of life I can.
I am starting anew. I have my studies (of which I am trying my best to pass) and I have a job which I seem to enjoy (for now). I have my beloved, of whom I adore greatly, and my babies of which I could never live without. Now, I am looking for myself. The person who is hidden behind the many walls I have built throughout my life. It is hard work, tearing down a wall with bare hands. God knows how many times Allan has done it, for me to rebuild and for him to take it all down again. I love him to death for that. For his efforts everyday.
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| "Tearing Down Walls," by Gwen MeHarg, accessed at the heART gallery: http://www.drawneartogod.com/default.asp |
My new beginning starts with finding of self. I seek spirituality. One which has little to no dogma, one which doesn't judge. One who seeks to harm none, lest it comes back threefold. )O(
It also begins with new hobbies, pursuing new dreams. I have taken up
bootcamp in order to get healthy, to get fit again and be outdoors.
Pole dancing classes will increase my strength, my flexibility and to learn to have fun.
Burlesque, for confidence in self, for confidence in front of others, for enjoyment of dance.
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| Dita Von Teese - Fan Dance |
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| Boot camp organization I joined |
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| Pole Dancing |
New style of dressing. New self-image. A mixture of gothic, of punk, of lolita. A blend of vintage and modern. Nothing to say I follow a trend. Everything is me, that's how its meant to be.
Everything different from what I know, what I used to believe in. Nothing feels wrong though, nothing which tells my heart that it isn't who I am. Perhaps then this is the me that wants out. The self that we hide by trying to conform.
Is it then better to set oneself free? To let the true self shine to be the best they can be?
