Life has changed for me.. for better or worse it is yet to be seen. I am finally back to writing, back to the arts, finding myself again.
2010 - a new beginning?
Perhaps... I am no longer bound to the man I once loved. Four years of memories stored away, never to be re-opened to write another chapter in our lives. Do I regret our relationship? No, I have learned and I remember the good times but things progress, and we found ourselves moving forward and apart.
Clinical depression, anxiety, traits of borderline personality disorder... ahhh the list goes on.. Diagnosed with many mental health issues I suffered quietly throughout my life, finally breaking in 2008 and over the past 2 years from there I have crawled through probably the worst years of my life so far. My tears were enough to fill a dam, my back scarred from backstabbing people, my heart.. ahh.. my heart shattered into pieces by those that i trusted and loved. Two creatures stick beside me through the years, helping me up each time I fall, my fur-babies, my beloveds.. one follows me everywhere I go as my assistance dog.. oh the things I'd give for them to be with me forever
Moving forward in 2010, I find myself alone yet.. there are people emerging from places I never knew existed, lending me a helping hand, a listening ear and ... dare I say it? .. they are my new friends.. ones who do not shy away from me because I am depressed. Ones who understand when I don't speak or call them for days.. Ones who are still there for me even after weeks of no contact.. Ahh.. the joys of finding these people cannot be explained in words.
A new love, yes, I have found a new love.. moving quickly from one to another? perhaps.. but in my defense, everything fell into place the first time we met. Hours on end we spoke, through the night, I opened up to him and showed my darkest secrets. Did he run or take advantage of my vulnerability? No.. he stood firm and held out his hand and offered me friendship..
What feelings I had over the next few months are unreal.. Depression hits me, life throws curve balls after curve balls, kicking me when i'm down and yet.. yet.. I find him standing beside me, holding my hand, leading me through the obstacles, providing me with his strength and support.. How can I justify deserving a person like this? I cannot. I am not deserving of him. I push him away with all I have, wrenching each piece of my heart, breaking the already shattered pieces but he keeps coming back, picking up each and everyone of the pieces and keeping them for safekeeping hoping that one day he may be able to piece them back together so that my heart will be whole once more.
Ahh my sweetheart, how you have stolen my heart.. Reminding me each day of what I live for, and showing me what it is like to be treated like a princess..
mind..love.. what else is there to say?
ah yes.. my studies.. oh the dreaded word.. the stress, the mental breakdown, the grades.. I will not speak of the past, I will speak of the present.. At present my studies are going at a slow and steady pace.. this semester has been hard for me.. but yet.. I move forward.. Let us see what my efforts bring me at the end of this semester.. More I dare not say lest I jinx myself..
life.. what is there to say about life.. I have not yet found myself and who I am.. but new and interesting lifestyles have I found.. the alternative scene is what I am in.. the gothic punk style wardrobe is what I am interested in (bloody hell is it expensive :D) and slowly but surely I am getting my wardrobe into shape.. Into what I identify with at this point of time..
I have to thank miss tikidoll (such a sweetie *hugz and kisses to her*) and my man for their contribution in my love of all things slinky (slips) and oh the stockings and garters.. *fans herself*
Lets not forget work -.- for if there is no work, there is no money.. if there is no money.. there is no new wardrobe, no bills can be paid, no tattoos, no nothing.. that is all I have to say about work.. for now..
Be assured, I am back!
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