For years I have battled with my identity. Who am I really? What do people expect of me? How should I act in front of other people? Will I bring shame and disappointment to the family?
These thoughts have plagued me for decades and forms who I am today. A being that knows nothing of herself and has no control over her own life. After years and years of leeching – for lack of a better word – of other people’s good values, attitudes, actions and all that, the stranger in the core of my being is coming forth, annoyed at the fact that I have not yet settled into a specific being or rather a being worth living. How can I explain to my own self that I do not understand or yet even know who I am? How can I persuade myself that my existence on this very Earth is actually worth anything?
To this point of time, I haven’t yet managed to gain control of my thoughts or myself. Fighting my own self everyday takes its toll on myself both mentally and physically. From a third person perspective, I maintain my normal outlook albeit a little fatter physically and seem to be more nervous in public.
What can I say? How can I convince myself that I am ok when the thoughts/voices in my head tell me otherwise? I can barely leave my bed every day much less leave the house to pursue more exciting activities. My baby, Ashlyn, is the only thing keeping my mind and body sane and safe.
How long can I hold on? How long can I stay in control before this dark being takes over me? I don’t know the answer. All that I know is… the future is uncertain and for me, it does not look too bright.
