Not to be too dramatic or anything, but I think I am cursed. Why do I say so? It is because I seem to hurt or be hurt by people I like/love. This includes my family, my friends, and special relationships.
Throughout my journey in life, there has always been one constant. Hurt. On one hand, I can open my heart and let people in, but as soon as I turn around, it seems that my heart has been stabbed or someone has stolen a piece of it and left a gaping hole which only can be healed with time. Time that I seem to not have. On the other, I can walk into someone's heart and without knowing it, purely unintentional ( I swear), I will have ripped it out and trampled it, leaving the person confused, hurt and hating me.
People who I have 'crushed' on and would like to see if we could work out usually already had a gf, lived overseas or just was never interested and even told me they weren't. People who have crushed on me and asked me if I felt the same way/actually showed me genuine interest, I either didn't like them in that way or was not ready or too afraid to commit.
I have to say that me moving from country to country after high school has not helped my love life in the slightest. I tried to save me and my high school flame from being hurt too badly before I moved to Switzerland but guess what? I ended up hurting the both of us. I cannot vouch for how much I have hurt him but I know that I ripped my own heart out by doing what I thought would be the best. Having to choose between my best friend in Switzerland and a sweetheart, the inevitable was that I was going to hurt one of them. What I didn't count on, was hurting myself as well. I don't say that I regretted my choice but I have always asked myself if things would have been different had I chose the other. Needless to say, the other has not spoken to me since. Even when I begged for forgiveness. Over here in Australia, well, it is VERY complicated. I have long since blocked myself from hurt and letting people get close to me but I have still managed to get hurt by numerous people since being here. I have also managed to hurt a million other people as well. How the hell am I supposed to let people get close to me then?
At the current moment, I have absolutely no more interest in guys at all (No I am NOT interested in girls either or at least I haven't found any I am interested in, in THAT way ;) ). I mean there are a few people that I can spend time with and be absolutely comfortable with that there are little or no secrets at all but I don't think it is a very good thing that I have no interest in men. I am afraid to be hurt again and I am afraid to hurt people. Am I destined to be alone in the world?
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