Life can be really rough at the most unexpected times. Sometimes you think you've got yourself back up on your feet when "BANG!" you are hit again. I know people say that the things we go through in life are what makes you stronger and ultimately shapes you to be who you are now but really, I sometimes wonder if there's a limit to how much we can take before we fall down and stay down.
Looking back in life, I can pinpoint many great times in my life that I can happily say that I enjoyed and would love to relive again and again. But there are the dark times that I've had to go through that still haunts me to this day. It is because of all these dark times that I am diagnosed with what I have. I always ask myself, why, if I still have excellent times in life, that I am affected this way? I have been told that I am much stronger than I used to be but at what cost? How am I stronger now compared to then? I could barely feel anything then. I could stand boldly behind a 'stronghold' I built around myself and look out at the world, hoping to dear God it would hold (and it did for the most part). Now, I can barely stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself much less be confidant and standing tall and proud with what I have achieved. If this is what being 'stronger' means, I don't want to know what happens when I lose it all and become weak and downtrodden.
A chat today with an old.. how do I call him.. an old friend? stalker? admirer (no I'm not saying that I was good enough to be admired but ppl who know him might remember the high school days where this might actually have been true)? I don't know what to call him but anyway, my chat with him today has brought up many memories. Both good and bad. Oh, how I dispise him for it. Each memory is plastered vividly in front of my eyes. I doubt that people really understood me then (or even now for that matter) but it didn't matter to them. I remember trying to be friendly, perhaps too over-friendly and being misunderstood for being.. well.. a lot of things that from what I have heard, I still claim to be untrue.
My mom always told me in those times that I have actually tried to confide in her (a very very rare thing), that the truth will always set me free (something she picked up in the bible I think). Oh, how hard it was for me to show my face in school, in tuitions (out of school classes), even in church when I knew what people were saying about me. I don't know the extent of what was being said but what I knew was hurtful enough. I admit, I may have gone a little overboard with being friendly and wanting everyone to like me that these rumours (for lack of a better word) were sparked. There isn't one person I know that actually knows how much I have heard about myself. I must say though, they were very well aimed shots (as much as I really really hope they weren't meant for my ears).
Since leaving high school, I hoped these rumours have hopefully faded into the background and will eventually be forgotten by all, everything will be forgiven and proper friendships can be formed without any look towards the past and what happened. I cannot honestly say that I have forgotten everything but to forgive people for what has been said, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still hurting and part of my illness stems from the many stabs that I have gotten throughout my years in school. It has taken a lot out of me to just write this post and although it may seem very negative and dark and one sided, I would like people to know my side of the story. My perspective of it all.
Was I really that hated? Was I really that bad a person I was said to be? I understand that I have never and probably will never look cute, beautiful or any of that sort but I never claimed to be a 'hottie'! I didn't want to be famous or popular, all I wanted was to belong. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and to accept me into their group of friends. Even if it was just a small group of friends I wouldn't have minded but even though I hung out with my many friends (thank you for the good times we had), I never really felt like I was 'part of the gang'. I was always the outsider, the tag along. How did they feel about me? I think I was as paranoid then as I am now about what people think about me but I sometimes wonder if I was really considered to be one of them.
I apologize if I may have hurt people in the past or seem to be what I am not due to my obsession for people to like me. I have always liked each and every of my friends then, and I will continue to cherish their friendship (no matter how late into the years it was formed) with me when I was in high school.
2 comments:
u're already strong and the past did shape u to be who u r today as it did to me. but i hv a feeling that i'll crumble if i were to be in ur shoes and go thru everthing that u did. that's y i admire u about it. to be able to write it all out is already something itself! :)
hey.. i agree with charles and i think that u're a really brave girl for putting up with so much. there's a beautiful girl deep beneath these hurt layers and i hope that that girl surfaces soon! (or maybe u already have )=)
Post a Comment