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1) I walk down the street. |
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Poem about life
I was talking to my psychologist during one of our sessions yesterday and she mentioned how I reminded her of a poem she once read. She says my life and my situation at the moment is in the first couple of stanzas and I should work my way to the very last one. I thought about it, looked up the poem and realized how true it was. It was probably one of the best metaphorical look into my life that she has tried to show me. So, in hopes that it might relate to other ppl reading my depressing blog, I have decided to post it up. A little food for thought for all of you out there.
Antiskeptic
Story of my life, I'm always behind the times. I usually am the last to know about stuff, complete stuff way too late (my fault for procrastination) or start to like things when ppl are soooo over it.
This time, it is related to the music world. I've always been quite behind times with regards to bands, new songs, what's going on with the band etc etc. I went to a concert last Saturday with a few friends to go watch this Australian band that they wanted to see. They are called Antiskeptic and I looked at their myspace page and thought, oh yeah, they sound pretty good. Went to see them, decided that I loved their music. Awesome! I should go see them next time they come down. Then I realized what the tour was called. "The Goodbye Goodnight Tour". They were breaking up after 10 years of contributing to the Australian music industry! They wanted to go off and do their own thing and fair enough, the life of a musician isn't exactly one that should last a lifetime. I mean its not exactly a family life is it?
Anyway, they are an awesome band. Although I listen to most music genres with no exceptional preference, I've always been the picky one in regards to Rock. Well, these guys are one of d top on my list as I loved every song that they played in the concert and that, for a Rock band, is pretty rare for me.
I was very surprised with myself and somewhat proud as it has been quite a while since I have managed to be out in public, let me rephrase that - out in a crowded area, without having a panic attack. Given, I did have one before I went out but at least I managed to go out even after having one and not panicking in d concert! :) Might have something to do with music though. "The most savage of beasts can be tamed with a song" I wonder how true that saying can be. Should I try to test it out?
This time, it is related to the music world. I've always been quite behind times with regards to bands, new songs, what's going on with the band etc etc. I went to a concert last Saturday with a few friends to go watch this Australian band that they wanted to see. They are called Antiskeptic and I looked at their myspace page and thought, oh yeah, they sound pretty good. Went to see them, decided that I loved their music. Awesome! I should go see them next time they come down. Then I realized what the tour was called. "The Goodbye Goodnight Tour". They were breaking up after 10 years of contributing to the Australian music industry! They wanted to go off and do their own thing and fair enough, the life of a musician isn't exactly one that should last a lifetime. I mean its not exactly a family life is it?
Anyway, they are an awesome band. Although I listen to most music genres with no exceptional preference, I've always been the picky one in regards to Rock. Well, these guys are one of d top on my list as I loved every song that they played in the concert and that, for a Rock band, is pretty rare for me.
I was very surprised with myself and somewhat proud as it has been quite a while since I have managed to be out in public, let me rephrase that - out in a crowded area, without having a panic attack. Given, I did have one before I went out but at least I managed to go out even after having one and not panicking in d concert! :) Might have something to do with music though. "The most savage of beasts can be tamed with a song" I wonder how true that saying can be. Should I try to test it out?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
My curse
Not to be too dramatic or anything, but I think I am cursed. Why do I say so? It is because I seem to hurt or be hurt by people I like/love. This includes my family, my friends, and special relationships.
Throughout my journey in life, there has always been one constant. Hurt. On one hand, I can open my heart and let people in, but as soon as I turn around, it seems that my heart has been stabbed or someone has stolen a piece of it and left a gaping hole which only can be healed with time. Time that I seem to not have. On the other, I can walk into someone's heart and without knowing it, purely unintentional ( I swear), I will have ripped it out and trampled it, leaving the person confused, hurt and hating me.
People who I have 'crushed' on and would like to see if we could work out usually already had a gf, lived overseas or just was never interested and even told me they weren't. People who have crushed on me and asked me if I felt the same way/actually showed me genuine interest, I either didn't like them in that way or was not ready or too afraid to commit.
I have to say that me moving from country to country after high school has not helped my love life in the slightest. I tried to save me and my high school flame from being hurt too badly before I moved to Switzerland but guess what? I ended up hurting the both of us. I cannot vouch for how much I have hurt him but I know that I ripped my own heart out by doing what I thought would be the best. Having to choose between my best friend in Switzerland and a sweetheart, the inevitable was that I was going to hurt one of them. What I didn't count on, was hurting myself as well. I don't say that I regretted my choice but I have always asked myself if things would have been different had I chose the other. Needless to say, the other has not spoken to me since. Even when I begged for forgiveness. Over here in Australia, well, it is VERY complicated. I have long since blocked myself from hurt and letting people get close to me but I have still managed to get hurt by numerous people since being here. I have also managed to hurt a million other people as well. How the hell am I supposed to let people get close to me then?
At the current moment, I have absolutely no more interest in guys at all (No I am NOT interested in girls either or at least I haven't found any I am interested in, in THAT way ;) ). I mean there are a few people that I can spend time with and be absolutely comfortable with that there are little or no secrets at all but I don't think it is a very good thing that I have no interest in men. I am afraid to be hurt again and I am afraid to hurt people. Am I destined to be alone in the world?
Throughout my journey in life, there has always been one constant. Hurt. On one hand, I can open my heart and let people in, but as soon as I turn around, it seems that my heart has been stabbed or someone has stolen a piece of it and left a gaping hole which only can be healed with time. Time that I seem to not have. On the other, I can walk into someone's heart and without knowing it, purely unintentional ( I swear), I will have ripped it out and trampled it, leaving the person confused, hurt and hating me.
People who I have 'crushed' on and would like to see if we could work out usually already had a gf, lived overseas or just was never interested and even told me they weren't. People who have crushed on me and asked me if I felt the same way/actually showed me genuine interest, I either didn't like them in that way or was not ready or too afraid to commit.
I have to say that me moving from country to country after high school has not helped my love life in the slightest. I tried to save me and my high school flame from being hurt too badly before I moved to Switzerland but guess what? I ended up hurting the both of us. I cannot vouch for how much I have hurt him but I know that I ripped my own heart out by doing what I thought would be the best. Having to choose between my best friend in Switzerland and a sweetheart, the inevitable was that I was going to hurt one of them. What I didn't count on, was hurting myself as well. I don't say that I regretted my choice but I have always asked myself if things would have been different had I chose the other. Needless to say, the other has not spoken to me since. Even when I begged for forgiveness. Over here in Australia, well, it is VERY complicated. I have long since blocked myself from hurt and letting people get close to me but I have still managed to get hurt by numerous people since being here. I have also managed to hurt a million other people as well. How the hell am I supposed to let people get close to me then?
At the current moment, I have absolutely no more interest in guys at all (No I am NOT interested in girls either or at least I haven't found any I am interested in, in THAT way ;) ). I mean there are a few people that I can spend time with and be absolutely comfortable with that there are little or no secrets at all but I don't think it is a very good thing that I have no interest in men. I am afraid to be hurt again and I am afraid to hurt people. Am I destined to be alone in the world?
Monday, September 8, 2008
The hurtful past
Life can be really rough at the most unexpected times. Sometimes you think you've got yourself back up on your feet when "BANG!" you are hit again. I know people say that the things we go through in life are what makes you stronger and ultimately shapes you to be who you are now but really, I sometimes wonder if there's a limit to how much we can take before we fall down and stay down.
Looking back in life, I can pinpoint many great times in my life that I can happily say that I enjoyed and would love to relive again and again. But there are the dark times that I've had to go through that still haunts me to this day. It is because of all these dark times that I am diagnosed with what I have. I always ask myself, why, if I still have excellent times in life, that I am affected this way? I have been told that I am much stronger than I used to be but at what cost? How am I stronger now compared to then? I could barely feel anything then. I could stand boldly behind a 'stronghold' I built around myself and look out at the world, hoping to dear God it would hold (and it did for the most part). Now, I can barely stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself much less be confidant and standing tall and proud with what I have achieved. If this is what being 'stronger' means, I don't want to know what happens when I lose it all and become weak and downtrodden.
A chat today with an old.. how do I call him.. an old friend? stalker? admirer (no I'm not saying that I was good enough to be admired but ppl who know him might remember the high school days where this might actually have been true)? I don't know what to call him but anyway, my chat with him today has brought up many memories. Both good and bad. Oh, how I dispise him for it. Each memory is plastered vividly in front of my eyes. I doubt that people really understood me then (or even now for that matter) but it didn't matter to them. I remember trying to be friendly, perhaps too over-friendly and being misunderstood for being.. well.. a lot of things that from what I have heard, I still claim to be untrue.
My mom always told me in those times that I have actually tried to confide in her (a very very rare thing), that the truth will always set me free (something she picked up in the bible I think). Oh, how hard it was for me to show my face in school, in tuitions (out of school classes), even in church when I knew what people were saying about me. I don't know the extent of what was being said but what I knew was hurtful enough. I admit, I may have gone a little overboard with being friendly and wanting everyone to like me that these rumours (for lack of a better word) were sparked. There isn't one person I know that actually knows how much I have heard about myself. I must say though, they were very well aimed shots (as much as I really really hope they weren't meant for my ears).
Since leaving high school, I hoped these rumours have hopefully faded into the background and will eventually be forgotten by all, everything will be forgiven and proper friendships can be formed without any look towards the past and what happened. I cannot honestly say that I have forgotten everything but to forgive people for what has been said, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still hurting and part of my illness stems from the many stabs that I have gotten throughout my years in school. It has taken a lot out of me to just write this post and although it may seem very negative and dark and one sided, I would like people to know my side of the story. My perspective of it all.
Was I really that hated? Was I really that bad a person I was said to be? I understand that I have never and probably will never look cute, beautiful or any of that sort but I never claimed to be a 'hottie'! I didn't want to be famous or popular, all I wanted was to belong. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and to accept me into their group of friends. Even if it was just a small group of friends I wouldn't have minded but even though I hung out with my many friends (thank you for the good times we had), I never really felt like I was 'part of the gang'. I was always the outsider, the tag along. How did they feel about me? I think I was as paranoid then as I am now about what people think about me but I sometimes wonder if I was really considered to be one of them.
I apologize if I may have hurt people in the past or seem to be what I am not due to my obsession for people to like me. I have always liked each and every of my friends then, and I will continue to cherish their friendship (no matter how late into the years it was formed) with me when I was in high school.
Looking back in life, I can pinpoint many great times in my life that I can happily say that I enjoyed and would love to relive again and again. But there are the dark times that I've had to go through that still haunts me to this day. It is because of all these dark times that I am diagnosed with what I have. I always ask myself, why, if I still have excellent times in life, that I am affected this way? I have been told that I am much stronger than I used to be but at what cost? How am I stronger now compared to then? I could barely feel anything then. I could stand boldly behind a 'stronghold' I built around myself and look out at the world, hoping to dear God it would hold (and it did for the most part). Now, I can barely stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself much less be confidant and standing tall and proud with what I have achieved. If this is what being 'stronger' means, I don't want to know what happens when I lose it all and become weak and downtrodden.
A chat today with an old.. how do I call him.. an old friend? stalker? admirer (no I'm not saying that I was good enough to be admired but ppl who know him might remember the high school days where this might actually have been true)? I don't know what to call him but anyway, my chat with him today has brought up many memories. Both good and bad. Oh, how I dispise him for it. Each memory is plastered vividly in front of my eyes. I doubt that people really understood me then (or even now for that matter) but it didn't matter to them. I remember trying to be friendly, perhaps too over-friendly and being misunderstood for being.. well.. a lot of things that from what I have heard, I still claim to be untrue.
My mom always told me in those times that I have actually tried to confide in her (a very very rare thing), that the truth will always set me free (something she picked up in the bible I think). Oh, how hard it was for me to show my face in school, in tuitions (out of school classes), even in church when I knew what people were saying about me. I don't know the extent of what was being said but what I knew was hurtful enough. I admit, I may have gone a little overboard with being friendly and wanting everyone to like me that these rumours (for lack of a better word) were sparked. There isn't one person I know that actually knows how much I have heard about myself. I must say though, they were very well aimed shots (as much as I really really hope they weren't meant for my ears).
Since leaving high school, I hoped these rumours have hopefully faded into the background and will eventually be forgotten by all, everything will be forgiven and proper friendships can be formed without any look towards the past and what happened. I cannot honestly say that I have forgotten everything but to forgive people for what has been said, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still hurting and part of my illness stems from the many stabs that I have gotten throughout my years in school. It has taken a lot out of me to just write this post and although it may seem very negative and dark and one sided, I would like people to know my side of the story. My perspective of it all.
Was I really that hated? Was I really that bad a person I was said to be? I understand that I have never and probably will never look cute, beautiful or any of that sort but I never claimed to be a 'hottie'! I didn't want to be famous or popular, all I wanted was to belong. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and to accept me into their group of friends. Even if it was just a small group of friends I wouldn't have minded but even though I hung out with my many friends (thank you for the good times we had), I never really felt like I was 'part of the gang'. I was always the outsider, the tag along. How did they feel about me? I think I was as paranoid then as I am now about what people think about me but I sometimes wonder if I was really considered to be one of them.
I apologize if I may have hurt people in the past or seem to be what I am not due to my obsession for people to like me. I have always liked each and every of my friends then, and I will continue to cherish their friendship (no matter how late into the years it was formed) with me when I was in high school.
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