More Food for Thought : Wicca/Witchcraft

Magick, Wicca, Witchcraft. Each one of these words bring a different opinion to each person from a different background, culture and belief. The most common of these opinions is that these are either fakes or the people who practice it and believe in it should be feared as it is the work of the Devil or Satan.

Lately, continuing on my journey to understand the diversity yet similarities of religion, I have looked into the curious mysteries of Wicca practice and Magick. Contrary to the everyday perception of Witchcraft (most of it provided by religion and fueled by the media, be it a fantasy/fiction novel or a blockbuster movie), I have found that Wicca is a rather, how should I put this, interesting form of belief or if I may be more daring, religion. There are different sorts and forms of practices of Wicca (of which I know nothing deeper than what I have skimmed of the surface) but all these come down to the very basics or respecting all things, seen and unseen, heard and unheard, living and inanimate. Against most people's belief in Magick where it is evil or where someone can produce a fireball out of thin air (not saying that I can prove this is untrue or true), Wicca has its own set of rules or commandments which have to be taken into account because of the consequences of any action taken during the practice of Wicca. Two of the most important ones that I would point out is that there is dire circumstances to casting an evil spell on someone or just a spell (no ill will intended) which affects a person's freewill. The most dire of consequences of all of the spell/rituals cast are the threefold rule. This is where everything that you cast against/for someone will come back to you threefold (eg. cast badluck on someone and it will hit you back three times as worse, cast good luck and it will come back to you three times better). This is very much like Karma or the Christian belief of 'love your neighbours like yourself/do onto others what you would like done to yourself'.

So why do people think that this worshipping of deities,faeries,spirits,elements even trees are evil or to be laughed at or scorned? I cannot say this of other covens practicing other forms of wicca but a research on Natural Magick or White Magick has shown me that this form of Wicca does indeed believe in Archangels and Guardian Angels. Angels of the four corners - doesn't the bible speak of this in revelations? As for the Archangels like Michael, Gabriel, Uriel and the sort, they are spoken of in the bible and there are even more castes of angels and saints in Catholicism. I do understand that the muttering of spells and practicing of rituals may seem a little unnerving to the untrained eye (including myself) but most perceptions of these that have been ingrained into us by Hollywood movies and fanasy novels are that of human sacrifices and orgies and what nots. I stand for the Wiccans in saying that this is NOT true.

Each religion believes that the core of our being is the soul or spirit. Whether we be Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or any other religion, the soul/spirit is an important factor and there is a life after this (whether it be reincarnation or reaching the pure state of being or heaven and hell). If we humans have spirits, what is saying that all forms of life on this planet does not have one? I mean, we bleed, animals bleed, trees don't bleed but if cut the sap runs out which does to an extent sustain their life. We all breathe air, drink water, and eat (whichever way we do that) but all in all we all need each other to sustain life. So why can't we believe that each of these non-human (and to most of us, inferior things) 'things' don't have a spirit/soul/guardian taking care of them? Sometimes I even wonder which one of us are the barbaric animals here, the other inferior animals or us humans? We don't appreciate what is all around us. The creations that God has created alongside us (whichever God it may be in each religion). So why not give some respect to where respect is due? And maybe just a benefit of the doubt that they may have spirits as well.

This is what I believe that Wiccans believe in. They give thanks to the mother earth and to all the beings around them whether they be trees or guardian angels in the four corners of the Earth or even to the elementals provided to us by God or the supreme being/creator. The only reason people fear witches were because people fear the unknown and wicca which has been ongoing even longer than Christianity or I would like to assume any written religion is an unknown to people especially during the middle ages and the 21st century where we all close our minds to what is around us and what has sustained us for so long. It is true that yes, we humans dominate the Earth but do we really control everything? Or does everything else control our existence here? It is the circle of life and we are all starting to forget our place on this plane of existence.

All in all (God this feels like I'm writing a bloody essay/assignment), no matter what we believe in, it gives us a psychological lift in praying/meditating/worshipping/completing spell n rituals and therefore the faith and beliefs no matter how different have the same concept and the same outcome. PEACE OF MIND (not that I have found that yet :P). Of course there will be the extremists out there which pollute society with false beliefs and false ideas about how one practices their own religion but that is a flaw in humans, not a flaw in what the original religion/practice/belief. Look at the Crusades (Christianity), that was all to gain power and conquer more places, the Jihad (Islam) trying to fight for their rights, believing in dying for the cause, the Satanists/Black Magick practicioners/voodoo who try to corrupt what is pure and good to gain power and authority and control over others. These are all examples of corrupt people giving good religions/beliefs a bad name and unfortunately for us humans, these stereotypes are taken very seriously into account and it is hard to shake these off.

In my opinion of all of these, I believe that there is only ONE God, the ONE supreme being who is known to everyone living on Earth by God's many names and forms because we humans are not capable of even picturing this God as we are NOT supreme beings. Mainly creations that are mortal and mortals make mistakes. God may have minions or angels or deities or whatever they are called to help control and oversee God's creations and because of this, each person believes what they want to believe and some have seen and made images of what they have seen of these 'helpers' but my belief is that they are all one and the same and they are all answerable to God and all prayers to whichever idol/God/angel/deity/faerie/archangel/spirit is forwarded to God. So to the people out there who have managed to give these 2 long blogs a read with an open mind and open soul, believe in what you want to believe in as we all have our free will and we are all free to opinions but I have stated my own and I believe that soon, you will find your own answers to your questions as you start your journey of soul searching.

Food for Thought : Religion

Zzzz.. Ahh.. How I wish I could be able to go to sleep every single night without wondering if this week is an insomnia week or a hypersomnia week. The countless sleepless nights of constant thoughts running through my head followed by the countless days and nights where all I do is sleep and dream horrible dreams. Of late, the sleepless nights have not gone to a complete waste. The running thoughts actually have topics of philosophical sense to it. The questions of life as we may put it in simple terms. Last night and all of today (well for the most part where my mind isn't occupied by other thoughts), I have been plagued by the ever curious topic of faith and beliefs.

*I will mention here that my following thoughts and words are of my OWN opinion and it is an OPINION not a FACT so if there are people reading this who are pious I warn you now that you may not like what I have to say. I also state that I am NOT trying to hurt anyone's feelings or talk bad about any religion at all. This is all just my opinion and nothing else. Please do not proceed reading this particular blog if you feel that you may be sensitive to the subject. *

Religion and faith run together in one long parallel line. Without faith, religion cannot exist and without something to believe in, what is faith? Growing up, I followed my mother to church every Friday (in my home town, Friday is a weekend and Sunday is a weekday.. God forbid :P ), joining in the youth group after the morning service, going to church/christian camps, becoming a member of the youth committee and the worship team band.. basically dedicating myself to God Almighty and his son Jesus Christ. The rest of my immediate family, however, were Buddhists, not althogether pious/religious, but nevertheless having an altar at home with, if I am not mistaken (correct me if I'm wrong someone), the Goddess of Mercy (Quan Yin), the God of War?? (not entirely sure) and a few tablets which I presume are the family ancestors (again I apologize for the lack of knowledge on my part - truth be told I used to be really scared of the altar). We celebrate all the known Chinese celebrations and I used to attend the yearly ancestral worship where we visit the graves of our ancestors, clean them, retouch the paints and offer them 'hell money' (as I was told it was translated into English) and food and stuff.

Growing up in this diverse religion family, I began to wonder and question the point of religion in life and the importance of religion to most people (Atheists, I cannot speak for as I have not entirely counted myself as one). So sometime in high school, I began to do a little bit of research here and there into the different religions in Malaysia that I know about (Islam, Christianity [both Catholicism and Protestant - Assemblies of God denomination, I cannot vouch for any other denominations], Buddhism and Hinduism. I do not claim to be an expert on any single religion mentioned above but rather the contrary. I am more of what they call the 'Jack of all trades but the master of none'. I have brushed the surface of all the religions mentioned and probably delved a little more deeply into Theology of Christianity. I would also mention that I had and still have a curiousity about Paganism and Wicca which, I believe, to the Christians and the Muslims are a form of sin as it is widely believed that Satanism falls into one of these categories and the worship of other idols/Gods aren't permitted. This has led me to question once again the true meaning of worship and faith and to delve further into solving this mystery of why each person follows a specific religion and believe in what they are thought.

Now, at the age of 21, I have slowly begun to form my own opinions about this subject and although I have no clear conclusion of the entire subject. I find it at the back of my mind and I still constantly pick at this topic whenever it pops into my mind.

Christianity and Islam both talk about the ONE God, The Almighty God and that there is only THE God to worship and adore and thank for all that we have. Both Christianity and Islam believe that Jesus does exist albeit differently but Jesus is mentioned in Islam as well (believe it or not). In Christianity, Jesus is the Son of God, our Saviour and He died for our sins and rose again and is coming again near the end of days whereas in Islam, Jesus or more commonly known as Nabi Isa is a prophet and only a prophet but he is known to be sinless and pure (which is what is also believed in Christianity). However, in both Christianity and Islam, the ONE God is also known by MANY names (I think 99 for the Muslims, not really sure how many for the Christians) - The Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, Father in Heaven, etc. etc. (I do not know what the Muslims' names for God is) but all of these names belong to the ONE God. Now, that is entirely believable to have a supreme being in control and because there is one being, different people may use different names for this being.

Now, all the other religions (that I know of excluding Judaism and those that still believe in God albeit slightly differently than Christians - JW and the sort) have different Gods for different things. The God of War, the Goddess of Mercy, The God of Chaos and Destruction etc etc. What makes this so different from Christianity and Islam? In what way does all these different beliefs be so different from the rest that each of them have their own 'name' to the religion?

Let me put it this way, if God has so many names, why not He (or a reverently 'It' as God isn't exactly a male or a female, God is neither male nor female nor is God both and .. oh you get the picture, there isn't a word in English that I can think of to describe it) be known differently? Why can't the same God be known to be a God of War and Goddess of Mercy at the same time? I mean He does have different names doesn't he? All religions (not including Satanism here), preach the practice of good instead of evil whether it be Karma or Sin or any of the sort. At this point, I can hear some say, but God (Christian) proclaims that there be no idol worshipping because He is the one God and is a jealous God! Therefore, the Buddhists and Hindus who worship specific dieties are wrong! (again this is just in layman's terms and I do NOT say they ARE wrong)

Well, this part is where the word Faith comes in. I will put it as easily as I think I can. To believe in anything that cannot be seen, heard or touched can be hard. It takes a considerable amount of faith and strength on one's part to actually believe that God exists much less that there be no specific idol/being that can be depicted as God (Jesus Christ not included because He came to Earth as a Human and therefore having a physical body). Some people just do not have that massive amount of faith needed to actually believe in something that is NOT there (or at least to us lesser beings, cannot be seen, heard or touched) and therefore they turn to making particular images of Gods and Goddesses that they can worship and these images or idols can be SEEN and TOUCHED if not heard. I am touching a very sensitive spot here (even against my thought beliefs as a Christian) when I ask, can all these Gods that each person worships, religion notwithstanding, be the one and the same?? and if not, WHY NOT??

There are people out there in the world who are cynics and atheists and do not believe in certain things because they require proof of existence and possibly scientific proof or a personal experience in the matter before they can believe in the 'supernatural' much less in God. So again I ask, why can't there be just the ONE GOD which is worshipped by every religion, in every shape and form and these only differ because some people need something physical to manifest their faith in?

The Journey

Ahh, the soul. The unseen being that is the main cause of our life for without it, we are mainly existing without living. It is our life's journey to search for who we are and what our purpose in life is. Some may think that there is no purpose, we are just living and others may think they have already found their answers.

I myself have taken a step towards this journey we call life. All those memories of the past haunting me till now and events in the present time have sent me spiralling into a deep abyss where a flickering candle light is all I have to light my way. All around me is darkness and the light I have is barely able to hold the darkness at bay. The darkness is nothing that we know in human form. Nothing seen before by anyone. It is blacker than black, darker than the darkest underground tunnel in the darkest night where no stars and moon or artificial light can be seen

This journey I take is mine alone. No one and nothing can come along with me save the candle that is lighting my way and the hope that I will find my way. Sometimes I pass by what I think is a crossroad and I see other flickering candle lights where I cross paths with another soul searcher on his/her journey. Sometimes we travel together, sometimes we just move on. One thing is certain, whatever we see by the light of our candle is for our own eyes to see and no one else's. Every person sees a different view, a different light. No matter how many may travel along the same path or even walk along beside me, we will never see the same things nor will I see the same image twice.

It is my hope that this journey that I have begun to take is not worthless and the obstacles that are in my way will not blow my candle out for I am not equipped with a match or flint or lighter to relight this candle. Only blind faith and hope feeds the candle and I fear that one day, the fuel may run out. But for now, with the first step I take on this journey, I will rely on hope and the strength (from whatever guardian angels that have held me safe in their arms until I stood up and made my first step), to move forward in this dark abyss. Words and sounds do not exist here. Only feelings, thoughts and emotions. Images of things past, things to come and things that are.

Each person will eventually or may have already begun this journey that I am now starting and I hope that this journey will help me eventually find myself/my soul/spirit and then the darkness will be gone and there will only be light. Then, I can finally rest easily in peace knowing that I have found myself.

The Other Side of the Mirror

Have you ever wondered if there is a hidden personality within yourself that hides in the deepest and darkest corner of your being? A totally different person to the one you, your family or anyone else in the world knows, even yourself?

For years I have battled with my identity. Who am I really? What do people expect of me? How should I act in front of other people? Will I bring shame and disappointment to the family?

These thoughts have plagued me for decades and forms who I am today. A being that knows nothing of herself and has no control over her own life. After years and years of leeching – for lack of a better word – of other people’s good values, attitudes, actions and all that, the stranger in the core of my being is coming forth, annoyed at the fact that I have not yet settled into a specific being or rather a being worth living. How can I explain to my own self that I do not understand or yet even know who I am? How can I persuade myself that my existence on this very Earth is actually worth anything?

To this point of time, I haven’t yet managed to gain control of my thoughts or myself. Fighting my own self everyday takes its toll on myself both mentally and physically. From a third person perspective, I maintain my normal outlook albeit a little fatter physically and seem to be more nervous in public.

What can I say? How can I convince myself that I am ok when the thoughts/voices in my head tell me otherwise? I can barely leave my bed every day much less leave the house to pursue more exciting activities. My baby, Ashlyn, is the only thing keeping my mind and body sane and safe.
How long can I hold on? How long can I stay in control before this dark being takes over me? I don’t know the answer. All that I know is… the future is uncertain and for me, it does not look too bright.

Poem about life

I was talking to my psychologist during one of our sessions yesterday and she mentioned how I reminded her of a poem she once read. She says my life and my situation at the moment is in the first couple of stanzas and I should work my way to the very last one. I thought about it, looked up the poem and realized how true it was. It was probably one of the best metaphorical look into my life that she has tried to show me. So, in hopes that it might relate to other ppl reading my depressing blog, I have decided to post it up. A little food for thought for all of you out there.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost... I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. 2) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. 3) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit My eyes are open; I know where I am; It is my fault. I get out immediately. 4) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. 5) I walk down another street.

Antiskeptic

Story of my life, I'm always behind the times. I usually am the last to know about stuff, complete stuff way too late (my fault for procrastination) or start to like things when ppl are soooo over it.

This time, it is related to the music world. I've always been quite behind times with regards to bands, new songs, what's going on with the band etc etc. I went to a concert last Saturday with a few friends to go watch this Australian band that they wanted to see. They are called Antiskeptic and I looked at their myspace page and thought, oh yeah, they sound pretty good. Went to see them, decided that I loved their music. Awesome! I should go see them next time they come down. Then I realized what the tour was called. "The Goodbye Goodnight Tour". They were breaking up after 10 years of contributing to the Australian music industry! They wanted to go off and do their own thing and fair enough, the life of a musician isn't exactly one that should last a lifetime. I mean its not exactly a family life is it?

Anyway, they are an awesome band. Although I listen to most music genres with no exceptional preference, I've always been the picky one in regards to Rock. Well, these guys are one of d top on my list as I loved every song that they played in the concert and that, for a Rock band, is pretty rare for me.

I was very surprised with myself and somewhat proud as it has been quite a while since I have managed to be out in public, let me rephrase that - out in a crowded area, without having a panic attack. Given, I did have one before I went out but at least I managed to go out even after having one and not panicking in d concert! :) Might have something to do with music though. "The most savage of beasts can be tamed with a song" I wonder how true that saying can be. Should I try to test it out?

My curse

Not to be too dramatic or anything, but I think I am cursed. Why do I say so? It is because I seem to hurt or be hurt by people I like/love. This includes my family, my friends, and special relationships.

Throughout my journey in life, there has always been one constant. Hurt. On one hand, I can open my heart and let people in, but as soon as I turn around, it seems that my heart has been stabbed or someone has stolen a piece of it and left a gaping hole which only can be healed with time. Time that I seem to not have. On the other, I can walk into someone's heart and without knowing it, purely unintentional ( I swear), I will have ripped it out and trampled it, leaving the person confused, hurt and hating me.

People who I have 'crushed' on and would like to see if we could work out usually already had a gf, lived overseas or just was never interested and even told me they weren't. People who have crushed on me and asked me if I felt the same way/actually showed me genuine interest, I either didn't like them in that way or was not ready or too afraid to commit.

I have to say that me moving from country to country after high school has not helped my love life in the slightest. I tried to save me and my high school flame from being hurt too badly before I moved to Switzerland but guess what? I ended up hurting the both of us. I cannot vouch for how much I have hurt him but I know that I ripped my own heart out by doing what I thought would be the best. Having to choose between my best friend in Switzerland and a sweetheart, the inevitable was that I was going to hurt one of them. What I didn't count on, was hurting myself as well. I don't say that I regretted my choice but I have always asked myself if things would have been different had I chose the other. Needless to say, the other has not spoken to me since. Even when I begged for forgiveness. Over here in Australia, well, it is VERY complicated. I have long since blocked myself from hurt and letting people get close to me but I have still managed to get hurt by numerous people since being here. I have also managed to hurt a million other people as well. How the hell am I supposed to let people get close to me then?

At the current moment, I have absolutely no more interest in guys at all (No I am NOT interested in girls either or at least I haven't found any I am interested in, in THAT way ;) ). I mean there are a few people that I can spend time with and be absolutely comfortable with that there are little or no secrets at all but I don't think it is a very good thing that I have no interest in men. I am afraid to be hurt again and I am afraid to hurt people. Am I destined to be alone in the world?

The hurtful past

Life can be really rough at the most unexpected times. Sometimes you think you've got yourself back up on your feet when "BANG!" you are hit again. I know people say that the things we go through in life are what makes you stronger and ultimately shapes you to be who you are now but really, I sometimes wonder if there's a limit to how much we can take before we fall down and stay down.

Looking back in life, I can pinpoint many great times in my life that I can happily say that I enjoyed and would love to relive again and again. But there are the dark times that I've had to go through that still haunts me to this day. It is because of all these dark times that I am diagnosed with what I have. I always ask myself, why, if I still have excellent times in life, that I am affected this way? I have been told that I am much stronger than I used to be but at what cost? How am I stronger now compared to then? I could barely feel anything then. I could stand boldly behind a 'stronghold' I built around myself and look out at the world, hoping to dear God it would hold (and it did for the most part). Now, I can barely stand on my own two feet and be happy with myself much less be confidant and standing tall and proud with what I have achieved. If this is what being 'stronger' means, I don't want to know what happens when I lose it all and become weak and downtrodden.

A chat today with an old.. how do I call him.. an old friend? stalker? admirer (no I'm not saying that I was good enough to be admired but ppl who know him might remember the high school days where this might actually have been true)? I don't know what to call him but anyway, my chat with him today has brought up many memories. Both good and bad. Oh, how I dispise him for it. Each memory is plastered vividly in front of my eyes. I doubt that people really understood me then (or even now for that matter) but it didn't matter to them. I remember trying to be friendly, perhaps too over-friendly and being misunderstood for being.. well.. a lot of things that from what I have heard, I still claim to be untrue.

My mom always told me in those times that I have actually tried to confide in her (a very very rare thing), that the truth will always set me free (something she picked up in the bible I think). Oh, how hard it was for me to show my face in school, in tuitions (out of school classes), even in church when I knew what people were saying about me. I don't know the extent of what was being said but what I knew was hurtful enough. I admit, I may have gone a little overboard with being friendly and wanting everyone to like me that these rumours (for lack of a better word) were sparked. There isn't one person I know that actually knows how much I have heard about myself. I must say though, they were very well aimed shots (as much as I really really hope they weren't meant for my ears).

Since leaving high school, I hoped these rumours have hopefully faded into the background and will eventually be forgotten by all, everything will be forgiven and proper friendships can be formed without any look towards the past and what happened. I cannot honestly say that I have forgotten everything but to forgive people for what has been said, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still hurting and part of my illness stems from the many stabs that I have gotten throughout my years in school. It has taken a lot out of me to just write this post and although it may seem very negative and dark and one sided, I would like people to know my side of the story. My perspective of it all.

Was I really that hated? Was I really that bad a person I was said to be? I understand that I have never and probably will never look cute, beautiful or any of that sort but I never claimed to be a 'hottie'! I didn't want to be famous or popular, all I wanted was to belong. All I ever wanted was for people to like me and to accept me into their group of friends. Even if it was just a small group of friends I wouldn't have minded but even though I hung out with my many friends (thank you for the good times we had), I never really felt like I was 'part of the gang'. I was always the outsider, the tag along. How did they feel about me? I think I was as paranoid then as I am now about what people think about me but I sometimes wonder if I was really considered to be one of them.

I apologize if I may have hurt people in the past or seem to be what I am not due to my obsession for people to like me. I have always liked each and every of my friends then, and I will continue to cherish their friendship (no matter how late into the years it was formed) with me when I was in high school.

Expectations, values, self- confidence, beliefs. Where do we get these from? Why is society revolved around how people look, how they act, share, care, talk, walk, sit, what they wear? How important is it that we have to worry about what other people think about us? What is NORMAL?

Human beings are judgemental creatures. We either judge other people around us or judge ourselves. No matter what, that little voice in our head keeps talking away.

We form our concepts of values and beliefs through the people around us while we were growing up. Expectations and self-confidence comes next. So needless to say, most of us may have become who our parents wanted us to be (in certain ways). Me on the other hand, *sigh* need i say more?

I have managed to shock my mother more n more on each occasion that she visits me or I go home to visit her. The way I eat, the way I talk, the way I interact with people (okay that I can understand due to my illness) , the way I dress and most importantly my WEIGHT! It is amazing how much she sets herself up to expect that I have gotten worse (cause I warned her) and I still manage to surprise her. Proves how much FAT my bloody body has decided to store because of all these fad diets my mom puts me on.

Its funny how diets look like they are working but after you stop... the weight starts piling up, replenishing all you've lost, and then some. I've been told the body has a point where the weight reaches a plateau and whether or not it loses or gains weight, it will fluctuate back up to the plateau weight UNLESS that the lost/gained weight is held constant for approx. 6 months (I think). So to lose weight, one would have to be on a diet for 6 months!! stuff that.. I'd rather do it the old fashioned way n work it off.

12 kg by January 2009 (hopefully). Damn I'm such a pig

Choices vs decisions

I had an interesting conversation during my meeting with a DLU representative today that sparked some food for my brain. I thought it would be nice to share it to the world (although I'm thinking most people would already know this by now) ;)

She asked me today "What is the difference between a choice and a decision?" That got me thinking, is there really a difference or are they both the same thing with different 'names' to it? I spent a good portion of the day thinking about choices and decisions we make in life. When do we use the word choice and when do we use decision?

Decisions are made after weighing up the pros and cons, researching on both of the options laid out and thinking about the consequences of choosing one option and not choosing the other. Choices on the other hand, are something that we just choose without reason, without weighing up the options. We just choose because we chose it. No other reason to it. No justifications to why we made the choice.

Then I start thinking, how do we go about our daily life making choices and decisions? Why can't we just make only decisions or only choices? What drives us to make decisions for certain situations and choices for others?

I suppose they both overlap in the end. One choice/decision will lead to another... and another.. and so on. Some, we weigh up and others we just pick just because. If we went through life making only decisions I think a lot of things would not even exist because it would take too long with too many consequences to go through with. Same goes with making only choices in life. Spontaneity only goes so far before something drastic happens and kills us.

"Then, what about when there is NO choice?" There is always a choice/decision in any form of situation. It is how we view each situation. When we begrudgingly do something just coz there is no choice, we have chosen to fight the fact that there isn't any other option BUT when we accept the situation and CHOOSE to go along with the situation without a fight, many other doors will open giving us the ability to make new decisions and choices as we go through the situation that previously had 'no other choice'.

The 1st battle

How is it some people are able to step forward with no fear of the future? No fear of what would happen or what could have happened if they didn't choose that particular decision. I, on the other hand, wake up every morning fearing if I would have to face any consequences of the previous day's decisions.

Each morning I wake, the fight begins. "Do I have the strength to move on? Can I get out of bed and face my day?" I lie in bed fighting against myself, trying to give myself enough strength to get up n out of bed. The futility of each battle swimming in my head. The ache of each loss tugging at my very core. This is how it feels like to be clinically depressed, how its like to battle my illness every morning. Day by day passes and I wonder how it was like before all this. Do I even remember a day where I woke up with such lightheartedness I felt I could fly?

I cannot bring myself to think of what I'm missing lest the fear of facing the day sets in. I do not know what each day will bring but this I am sure, it takes a whole lot out of me to convince myself that if I do walk out that front door and into the big, scary world, nothing will happen to me... It will be like any other day. Battling my worries, my thoughts, my feelings.